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moonchild
 lover.friend.daughter.sister.jewelry designer. student of life.creative.writer.cancer. native new yorker.residing in new jersey. Instagram
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for one, my family is ...well..actually i dont know any words to describe whats going on. basically i think, my brother bobby is back on drugs. my brother jeremy is missing his $550 watch, and my dad discovered last night that $6000 worth of his fishing equipment and tools are missing. they all looked at my brother. and i didnt at first...they've always blamed him for a lot of things and have always been on his case..i've tried to stay as nuetral and understanding as possible. but in this case..it's just too much..in this case it does point to him. and it hurts..so, bad. this is his 3rd time out of rehab. he was lucky he even went to rehab bc he was going to be sent to rykers. he has a son now..and you'd think he'd clean up and stay that way...that baby is all he has to live for. and that baby needs a father..and all i see is him letting his son down and letting his family down. as much as my family has been on his case about things..i know they all mean well and they all care about him. i just dont think he knows that; despite the infinite times he has been told. and im also angered..because this is all so selfish to me. hes taking advantage of the fact my parents let him move back in. hes taken advantage of the fact that my sister in law lets him see the baby..with the way he treats her. i mean shes not the holiest person in the whole..shes a bit shady too but shes smart. and she knows that baby has to see his father. but he doesnt understand the morality of the situation. and he takes it all for granted. i dont know what has to happen for him to realize that everything he is and everything hes able to have right now can all be taken away in the snap of a finger. he can be in jail..never see his son and never be able to set his life straight til he gets out. it upsets me so much to kno that hes not better and that he may even be put away. i mean yesterday at work my mom came in before she was going to leave and told me about the equipment bc my father called her cell n told her..and she left and i just couldnt help but cry..i was standing in the store..and i just started to bawl. im thankful i work with great ppl..one of the guys jamal took me in the back and talked to me and got me water and made me a feel a little better..but all last night i was just so out of it...because i know. I know whats going on..and it's different this time because I'm older and I;m able to understand what this is and think about it..as opposed to being 5 years old the first time my 2oldest brothers got into drugs and watching them fight and get kicked out the house and just not know what actually happened. and even tthough those memories came up a while back and hurt...these i will admit..hurt even more. the consequences are more serious..and this is his life i'm scared for. i'm scared..and it scares me even more that I have no solution..but to be his sister. another thing..my heart is overwhelming me. it's just simply losing patience i think..and i'm fighting that because i never feel the way i have. i dont want to lose that. i mean..even my friends have told me..omg you have emotion! and with this its different it makes me/made me happy..and it made me cheerful..unwillingly. and now i feel like...stagnant. i dont know..all i know is i dont want to lose this feeling..i honestly, truly do believe that this is for me..whether or not its in my face face saying "YES this will work"...i believe it..i believe in the preconceived future from my subconscious. lol it just feel like it'd be right. And thats my battle...to make it a truth. i just dont' know how yet.. but um..i'm gonna go DL some music.. shannon<3 QUOTE OF THE DAY: "When people show you who they are the first time, believe them." - Maya Angelou |