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moonchild
 lover.friend.daughter.sister.jewelry designer. student of life.creative.writer.cancer. native new yorker.residing in new jersey. Instagram
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Anyways, last night all the pressures in my world hit the fan and I brokedown. It was pretty scary actually. I was just standing by the side of my bed and I was discussing some issues with Joe Bob** and with the help of the topic I became overwhelmed. I started to shake, my knees got weak, and tears just poured out of my eyes. I had absolutely no control of what was happening, and I just didn't know what to do but hit the floor and stay there. I think I cried there for a good two hours..just releasing everything and anything that I could possibly find within me that was causing all my stress. It was a really sad scene, I was a total mess, and well..I needed it. I needed that time to just let my emotions loose, and eventually cried myself to sleep. In a way, I do feel as if there has been weight taken off my shoulders, a lot of questions were answered and I realized a lot about myself. That I'm not in my own world anymore, and that I am no super human. Things will make or break me, and if I don't accept them they will in some way, shape, or form break me. My life is changing, I'm going to graduate, I'm going to college away from home, I'm learning to open up and look at myself in better ways, and I'm learning to trust..a lot more. Trust is an on-going issue with me. Bobby and I were talking about my situation and he told me what I refused to realize; I never let people in. As much as I know about myself and try to improve upon myself, I never realized that I unconsciously block any connections with people...besides with my best friends and such. And I didn't know what I was scared of...but it's hurt, betrayal, deception, and I guess I feel like I can face it, so I might as well not even get into situations where it can happen, because I think, well, that my time is too good for people. What a fucked up way to think, right? Well..it's been with me. I'm finally going to start complying to the factors that cause me to build up all of this. It's also the reason why, when I do give all me to someone, and just put myself out there...I can't handle it. It scares me, that vulnerability? Ugh..please! It's like being on a sinking ship in the middle of the ocean, and you see the life boats off in the distance coming to rescue you, but the more water you see in the boat makes you believe more and more that you're not going to make it; even though you see help is coming. It's all very scary, and very new to me...and I'm willing to change and learn how to cope. that's it for now.. shannon<3 QUOTE OF THE DAY: me, myself, and i is all i got in the end.. - beyonce ** = disguise name. |