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moonchild

♥love.24.energy.flesh.bones.
lover.friend.daughter.sister.jewelry designer.
student of life.creative.writer.cancer.
native new yorker.residing in new jersey.






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      And the bells of my life rang today...
    Today, at the gynecologist, I discovered that my biopsy results told my doctor and I, that I have pre-cancerous cells developing on my cervix. So far, they are only on the outside of the cervix and less likely to be inside but I'm going for another colposcopy (surface cervical biopsy) of the opening just to make sure the cells inside are 100% negative.

    If they are negative, I have to go in for cryo-freezing surgery (or whatever he said it's called) to freeze all the surface cells off my cervix - to clear and kill them. He said, most likely, that the cells never grow back the same. However, if the inside cells test positive, I have to get a conization biopsy where they cut out a rather large, cone-shaped chunk of the cervix, test it, and then re-test with a pap smear a couple of months later to see if the cervix grew back uninfected (he said almost all cases grow back normal and the cells are clear).

    Fun, huh? My doctor also told me this is, more than likely, the result of genetics. My mother had cervical cancer and unfortunately, when they discovered her abnormal cells - they were already cancerous and growing. The procedures did not work and she had a total hysterectomy after I was born.
    Lucky for me, these cells still have two levels to worsen before they turn cancerous - which my doctor said, is preventable with both the cryo-freezing and conization procedures. So, I start yet another nerve-wrecking experience this year.

    I'm starting to wonder if it's ever going to end? If I am ever going to be able to just fall asleep at night without wondering and suffering from all this anxiety? I'm only 20 and while most my age, deal with what parties to go to, if they're going to drink and screw somebody tonight, what classes to take, if they should skip class or go play video games with their friends, who they're going to hang out with tonight -- I'm sitting here wondering if I'm going to get better? Am I going to be able to stay focused on my classes and work while I have to go for all these tests and procedures?

    I've already lost a complete semester because of the start of this whole "abnormal cells" situation. I was misdiagnosed twice and left in the dark for three and a half months. Now, I just feel like there is no point in trying to do anything until this is all finally over. I'm so stricken with anxiety, I can't bear to imagine just going ahead and living normally. My mind runs circles around this situation every second and it hasn't stopped, all year.

    I guess I'll be alright, though. I've made it this far.
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