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moonchild
 lover.friend.daughter.sister.jewelry designer. student of life.creative.writer.cancer. native new yorker.residing in new jersey. Instagram
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2 hrs ago from a pretty fun night with friends and now I'm here in the empty house, all alone and my heart literally, hurts. Its a if it has sunken into my chest and is slumped against my breast bone in anguish or from pure exhaustion. I'm not sad or depressed...I'm lonely. This emptiness filled my Facebook status and an old friend of mine commented, "sounds like someone needs to hit the dating scene.." They heard right. I know I do. Its just so difficult for me. I worked so hard over the past year and a half on myself and attempting to turn my collegiate career around and into a brighter direction. I'm not one for multi-tasking, trust me. I withdrew from a semester because of my mental anguish last year (along with an illness but nonetheless, mental anguish) and ended up taking one summer class and finally changing my major this January. There was no way I was going to fix me AND worry about where my education was going. My brain and my thoughts were just too misguided and misconstrued for me to function. And as a result, my "love life" has been nonexistent. I don't rensent what I did...it was a smart choice on my behalf but now..my heart is just extremely empty. I apologize for using the word "empty" so repetitively but there's no better choice of wording for what I feel. So much has changed in my life and I suppose I'm at that point where I "need" somebody else there with me. I quote need only because for me, when you "want" someone, there's usually only one thing you're remotely interested in getting from that person. It can be material, physical, etc. But it usually only one thing that happens to be the straw that breaks the camel's back in the end. I say "need" in the sense that, we as humans need food to live and air to breathe. Me? Right now, I need a significant other. However, I hardly know where to start. I don't know HOW to date..I've never dated anyone before. Both my past boyfriends I talked to for a period of time and we just "were"...one day we were an item. It wasn't this process of going out and talking and experiencing things. It was basically like a promotion. Friends whom at one point became a couple. So what do I do? Especially in my condition! And...there's also the guard I hold. I must be honest and admit, although I may be strong in personal issues and complications surrounding me, when it comes to miseries of the heart I tend to- no, I basically pull this whole "I'm over it" tactic ASAP. The "I don't care" attitude. Though, a lot of the times I don't care...sometimes and as of latem frequently, find myself becoming overwhelmingly upset over things that I led others to believe meant nothing to me. I believe I'm afraid of showing that I hurt...because if I do that showcase will then make me vulnerable for some craziness to happen. I hate to bring this up NOW, so long after after everything has been said and done but I'm going to do it..and I don't care if he reads it - I hope he does because its the one time he will see what I feel about us. My last boyfriend, whom I've been broken up with for about 2&a half yrs now, and I ended on a bad note. Too many issues and too many other people were in our relationship. That fact, still irks the crap out of me. Anyways, we said our peace and are/were kind of friends - we still felt the need to hook-up whenever we infrequently hung out. We never hung out too much. I felt this odd feeling as if I owed it to him and myself..like we had unfinished business. And it popped in my head a few times that maybe we should get back together. Nothing was really wrong with our relationship but everyone who was in it. However, after we broke up for about 3 months...I had my "I don't care about anything" phase and I believe it further damaged our chances. I then always felt the need to never again, let him back in. And him with me. But I needed that. Though our circumstances, he was the only one I really trusted with certain things, even though he was for the most part, a complete mystery to me. I always and still do feel if I let my guard down..then everyone will know the truth and know that I lied..that I did and do care. Even now, I fear letting him know simple things like, "it hurt to know you found someone new...but I'm happy for you and wish you the best" And to know that -i love him, always will. I'm way past it all and no longer "in love" with him. But still ..I can type it here but say it to him or e-mail him? I can't. And I always thought it should've been said at one point for closure. But my pride & those walls around me..they stopped me from doing so. And that guard and those walls are what I'm afraid of letting down when meeting someone new. I so badly want someone to see me and not this nonchalant and cold-hearted person. Its not who I am. I'm such a caring and funny person...I don't want to block that all away. I want to embrace it...I just need help on how to appreciate sharing who I am with possible suitors openly, without the constant fear of being too kind or too gentle and facing reprecussions for it. Help...? Anyone..? |