moonchild

♥love.24.energy.flesh.bones.
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student of life.creative.writer.cancer.
native new yorker.residing in new jersey.
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Re-Post: Options 10/09
Once again, I've woken up at 2:30AM and can't fall back to sleep so here I am. I want to dive into a topic I've been discussing with friends a great deal as of late. My "commitment issues". Now, I don't really know if I necessarily don't want to commit to anyone or if it's just my selfishness overcoming me. lol. Either way, it's a problem. To an extent.
So basically, I've been single for...let's see..two years and....since January 2007. There. That's easier. I guess to get a clearer understanding of everything, I'll let you know what happened with that. We broke up because shit was just not right. (You can curse me out later but you're so far gone it wouldn't matter) He had issues in bed, so our intimacy level was never there, therefore I felt like there were issues elsewhere. I never really found out where his issues stemmed from while we were together --either way, I had to let go. It was a stagnant toxic environment and it wasn't any good for either of us. I was the one who broke it off and I had prepared myself weeks in advance for it so when it happened, I guess I seemed like a cold-hearted bitch...but I did what I had to do. Plus it didn't help that he flipped out and cried. I just never understood why he didn't see it coming.
He was a good person...so it seemed. In general, he seemed to have a good heart. Then a year or so after we broke up, he told me his situation during our relationship. Emotional infidelity. Nice of him right? I was better off not knowing that he talked to his ex-girlfriend, who mind you, hated me, almost everyday while we were together. Although, I always felt he never really told me anything that he was feeling. There was this massive invisible brick wall between us...I always knew it...except I found out two years later there were three people in our relationship, not two.
To this day, we try to hang out but he has a new girlfriend and well, wouldn't she like to know all the times we hung out and he lied to her about it. Y'know the text "what are you doing baby?" "oh im home about to fall asleep" Lie. You're out with me and my friends drinking. I guess that's really who he is. Not that there's anything for him to lie about, we're not like that. Trust me, we tried that a couple times after we broke up and he still didn't work. Maybe he has a complex about me. Who knows.
So that was that. Since then..I have options. I don't let anyone in too deep. I should'nt even say that...I really don't let anyone in at all. These options, they like me, I do like them, I just stiffen up and get real defensive when it goes anywhere further than that. I've been trying to change that. One of them is really worth breaking down those walls for, I think. Although our time may have passed. Let me progress.
Let's call my "options" Rich, Larry, & Abe. (LMAO)
Rich is the kind of guy who has a bunch of girls for friends. He's sensitive, he's sweet, and he's just a swell guy. I have history with Rich (not that kind). We go back many years as friends. Rich and I started getting closer as friends last year or so and duh, there's a lot of sexual tension there. I have no idea why. Trust me, I'd love to give in to it butttttttttttt....in the bigger picture, he's not my type. He's very lose with his appearance, he really doesn't care much about anything besides beer and sports. Gag me. Seriously. The only good thing about him is that is extra-sensitive to females. And that isn't always a good thing, being that if anything did happen between us. He has a psycho ex-girlfriend and a lot of parties at his house. I'm not the one to be worrying or over-thinking. So, I just hit him up whenever he's home and we hang out. He's good company and I enjoy talking to him. Sometimes he even lets me know how bad he wants me, and I love it. LOL. Hey, look...it's good to know once in awhile!
Larry, is the guy I think is worth it. He's adorably handsome, he's smart, he's motivated, and definitely my type. I don't know much about Larry but I know enough at this point. Larry & I went out on two dates after we met. It was really nice -- he was nice. I've never gone on a date, ever in the past...so this year was a first for me with Larry. LOL. I was actually nervous with him. Not on the first date, on the second. I couldn't figure out why but I was and I kind of liked it. The third time we hung out, it just so happened I was with friends and we met up somewhere. My friends got in his face (not literally) and were asking him what his intentions are, etc. Like a father would. I love my friends but what the fuck? LOL However, Larry laughed it off and took it. I secretly enjoyed that. But like I do a lot with guys I know that I like / like me nowadays, I tried so hard to play it off; I didn't make it seem like I was got at all around my friends. I have no idea why I do that but it just happens. I'm not one for PDA or just coming out and expressing how I feel like that. I'm the one known to be so hard to break. So while we sat and talked, I kind of felt like I was ignoring Larry around my friends. Trying so hard to play it off like it wasn't even that serious. "He took me out...big deal" kind of thing. And I hate myself for being like that.
I drove Larry home that night and he tried to reach over and hold my hand and...I just turned and looked at him like "what are you doing?" lmao. It just felt soooooo awkward to me, yknow? I don't get why in the world I can't accept the fact that someone is doing something out of pure like for me. Not that I thought it was creepy or done with bad intentions but...ugh. Why do I do this shit? It's like "whoa..now you're getting too far with me." Since that night, I haven't spoken to Larry til recently. I asked him out for drinks. He accepted and we're planning on it soon.
I'll let you know how that goes.
Now Abe. Abe is a guy I'm really, really attracted to..but...lets face, it's never going to happen. We hang out off season. In the winter. :shrugs: We haven't done anything but drink wine, go for dinner, and play cards. His conversation is amazing, and so is his face. But I think the both of us know..if anything were to go any further..we'd have a lot of explaining and plotting to do -- for various reasons between our families. LOL. And another thing, he is too much like my father. I know they say a girl treks to find a man like her father. BOO! LOL In my case, it's not a good thing. The amount of obsession they share. POW! I can't. I can't deal with a man that obsessed with something if it ain't me. !HONESTY! lol. I guess all Abe & I really do is stare at each other. Oh wells.
So there are my open options...some not so open, some not quite options but that's all I got. LMAO. *tear
I hope I don't sound too crazy being the amount of things I most likely, over-think.
What do you think?
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