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moonchild
 lover.friend.daughter.sister.jewelry designer. student of life.creative.writer.cancer. native new yorker.residing in new jersey. Instagram
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Is getting involved with someone who just ended a relationship...insensitive? I mean, I'm fully aware of the time needed to get past such a situation and I'm completely aware of his feelings. Infact, I give as much advice as possible...however, I am also aware that this may also go nowhere because of this.. With that said, I still feel kind of...wrong or at least, selfish in one way or another because at some point or another I know I'm going to start pushing aside the fact that he does have something he's trying to move on from. Although...I think I'm pretty worth moving forward to...lmao. *slaps self* I just...don't know anymore. I used to be so good at these things with others, smh! I can't help but think "what the fuck are you doing?!" I feel like...I DONT EVEN KNOW! I am a damn mess and then some! I am in way over my head. I think I've gotten way too involved in this situation that I clearly, may not even be recognized for. I may be a stand in for all I know and here I am putting every bit of my heart and brain power into it. I'm having these feelings that...I find hard to believe may be reciprocated in anyway, at anytime. And I don't care. That's the thing! I don't care! Because it feels so right. This....thing, hasn't even escalated and every inch of me is saying, "Yes!" Maybe I'm lulled by the sheer vulnerability of the situation, or the fact that I somehow believe that this is the exact dose of life I need with me. Maybe..but one thing I'm sure of, is that I've been waiting for something like this for the longest time. And I don't plan on letting it pass me by. For now..I hope this entry eases my mind...I go back to school @ 11 AM LOL xoxo ;) Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry Yes!!!! <3 Sade  YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!! This giveaway marks the new direction I'm taking with CAKIN' Jewelry! More fashion forward, more creative, and more fabulous! GetCupCAKIN'!  WooHoo! This is my 402nd post! & January 22nd marks cntr0l's 4th blogaversary! So, disregard that previous repost. I noticed it was missing from my blog and have no idea why. So I got it off my backed up folder of blog entries and put it back in it's rightful place...here on my blog LOL. Anywho, that re-post...comes at a time of complete opposition to the subject matter lol. All those people, are no longer "options". Yes, 'tis true...I kept shit moving. *dusts shoulders* You can only play the game for so long and well, I got kind of fed up with ALL of their bullshit. The immaturity, the lack of life, and...so on and so forth. I would like to believe I'm worth a lot more than the low quality companionship they could ever offer me. ............I just made that one up lol. I hope it sounded okay haha. In recent months, I've come to cut those options off. And good thing. "Rich" was acting like I owed him something...what for? Your guess is better than mine. I suppose he's mad now that I don't pay him any attention anymore. Sorry, but I cannot waste my time, homie. "Larry" well...I never got back to him on the drink front. Therefore, we never hung out again and y'know....although he was nice and everything....just no. I fell out of like with him. He got super dull and the last conversation we had, he talked about some crazy sport thing..that I, clearly, had no interest in. Hence, my lack of memory on the topic. "Abe" well..he'll ALWAYS be around and I know that. Infact, we hung out once since the post. It was nice and also made me realize that he and I will never ever ever ever be. I kind of saw who he really is and as confident and amazing as I always thought he was, I realized that he's really just as insecure and, I hate to say it, crazy as any other person I'd like to punch in the mouth for just talking entirely too much about themselves and having no idea who they are in the first place. He's still a nice guy though..but..he can just stay a family friend. LOL. Which would now leave me...entirely independent and thinking solely about myself right? Wrong. Though I did enjoy a couple of weeks of "no interest in anyone" .... something kind of developed. And TRUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST me when I say...It's not even an option yet. I mean, I hope it can become that but at the moment, we are friends. He's a nice guy, good heart from what I can tell so far, and he kind of offers everything I like. There are some set backs and if's about him that mostly have to do with a situation (jersey shhh-waah) he's currently in. All in all however, he has a good rep sheet and it doesn't hurt that he's gorgeous. lol. But you know what though? I'm just happy to have met a new friend. I am willing to give it time, and if it doesn't work out that way then fine. I'd be happy with just a friendship.....a friendship with a gorgeous friend LMAO So we'll see. You know I'll keep you updated, hardcore. ttyl loves. xoxo So basically, I've been single for...let's see..two years and....since January 2007. There. That's easier. I guess to get a clearer understanding of everything, I'll let you know what happened with that. We broke up because shit was just not right. (You can curse me out later but you're so far gone it wouldn't matter) He had issues in bed, so our intimacy level was never there, therefore I felt like there were issues elsewhere. I never really found out where his issues stemmed from while we were together --either way, I had to let go. It was a stagnant toxic environment and it wasn't any good for either of us. I was the one who broke it off and I had prepared myself weeks in advance for it so when it happened, I guess I seemed like a cold-hearted bitch...but I did what I had to do. Plus it didn't help that he flipped out and cried. I just never understood why he didn't see it coming. He was a good person...so it seemed. In general, he seemed to have a good heart. Then a year or so after we broke up, he told me his situation during our relationship. Emotional infidelity. Nice of him right? I was better off not knowing that he talked to his ex-girlfriend, who mind you, hated me, almost everyday while we were together. Although, I always felt he never really told me anything that he was feeling. There was this massive invisible brick wall between us...I always knew it...except I found out two years later there were three people in our relationship, not two. To this day, we try to hang out but he has a new girlfriend and well, wouldn't she like to know all the times we hung out and he lied to her about it. Y'know the text "what are you doing baby?" "oh im home about to fall asleep" Lie. You're out with me and my friends drinking. I guess that's really who he is. Not that there's anything for him to lie about, we're not like that. Trust me, we tried that a couple times after we broke up and he still didn't work. Maybe he has a complex about me. Who knows. So that was that. Since then..I have options. I don't let anyone in too deep. I should'nt even say that...I really don't let anyone in at all. These options, they like me, I do like them, I just stiffen up and get real defensive when it goes anywhere further than that. I've been trying to change that. One of them is really worth breaking down those walls for, I think. Although our time may have passed. Let me progress. Let's call my "options" Rich, Larry, & Abe. (LMAO) Rich is the kind of guy who has a bunch of girls for friends. He's sensitive, he's sweet, and he's just a swell guy. I have history with Rich (not that kind). We go back many years as friends. Rich and I started getting closer as friends last year or so and duh, there's a lot of sexual tension there. I have no idea why. Trust me, I'd love to give in to it butttttttttttt....in the bigger picture, he's not my type. He's very lose with his appearance, he really doesn't care much about anything besides beer and sports. Gag me. Seriously. The only good thing about him is that is extra-sensitive to females. And that isn't always a good thing, being that if anything did happen between us. He has a psycho ex-girlfriend and a lot of parties at his house. I'm not the one to be worrying or over-thinking. So, I just hit him up whenever he's home and we hang out. He's good company and I enjoy talking to him. Sometimes he even lets me know how bad he wants me, and I love it. LOL. Hey, look...it's good to know once in awhile! Larry, is the guy I think is worth it. He's adorably handsome, he's smart, he's motivated, and definitely my type. I don't know much about Larry but I know enough at this point. Larry & I went out on two dates after we met. It was really nice -- he was nice. I've never gone on a date, ever in the past...so this year was a first for me with Larry. LOL. I was actually nervous with him. Not on the first date, on the second. I couldn't figure out why but I was and I kind of liked it. The third time we hung out, it just so happened I was with friends and we met up somewhere. My friends got in his face (not literally) and were asking him what his intentions are, etc. Like a father would. I love my friends but what the fuck? LOL However, Larry laughed it off and took it. I secretly enjoyed that. But like I do a lot with guys I know that I like / like me nowadays, I tried so hard to play it off; I didn't make it seem like I was got at all around my friends. I have no idea why I do that but it just happens. I'm not one for PDA or just coming out and expressing how I feel like that. I'm the one known to be so hard to break. So while we sat and talked, I kind of felt like I was ignoring Larry around my friends. Trying so hard to play it off like it wasn't even that serious. "He took me out...big deal" kind of thing. And I hate myself for being like that. I drove Larry home that night and he tried to reach over and hold my hand and...I just turned and looked at him like "what are you doing?" lmao. It just felt soooooo awkward to me, yknow? I don't get why in the world I can't accept the fact that someone is doing something out of pure like for me. Not that I thought it was creepy or done with bad intentions but...ugh. Why do I do this shit? It's like "whoa..now you're getting too far with me." Since that night, I haven't spoken to Larry til recently. I asked him out for drinks. He accepted and we're planning on it soon. I'll let you know how that goes. Now Abe. Abe is a guy I'm really, really attracted to..but...lets face, it's never going to happen. We hang out off season. In the winter. :shrugs: We haven't done anything but drink wine, go for dinner, and play cards. His conversation is amazing, and so is his face. But I think the both of us know..if anything were to go any further..we'd have a lot of explaining and plotting to do -- for various reasons between our families. LOL. And another thing, he is too much like my father. I know they say a girl treks to find a man like her father. BOO! LOL In my case, it's not a good thing. The amount of obsession they share. POW! I can't. I can't deal with a man that obsessed with something if it ain't me. !HONESTY! lol. I guess all Abe & I really do is stare at each other. Oh wells. So there are my open options...some not so open, some not quite options but that's all I got. LMAO. *tear I hope I don't sound too crazy being the amount of things I most likely, over-think. What do you think? Happy New Year, everyone! I'm stupid excited that 2009 is ------------> GONE! And 2010 has arrived to take it's place. Enough of the ugliness that 2009 gave us. Aren't YOU ready for a fresh start to things? I AM! Of course however, there is still the same old bullshit lingering around like ALWAYS. Year after year, there are always those few people who stay the same route and talk the same shit. Whatever though, right? Keep it moving --> I did come here to vent about some issues and to also, discuss NEW things in my life. So sit back, relax, and fixate on me for a few minutes. ;) So where do I start? I haven't done a me post in a good while. Hm...I guess I'll start off with the whole ex-factor. No, I am not speaking about the show. What is it about some people who break up with a girlfriend or boyfriend and still stay pressed about the person they let go? Is it the inability to let go? Greed? Bitchassness? Or just plain, regret? Let's discuss. See, I broke up with an ex a loong time ago. We hooked up a few times after we broke up...we didn't really end on "horrible" terms. No fighting, etc. However, I always felt that he tried so hard afterward to get back with me. I personally, don't believe in the "let's give it another go" plan..an ex is an ex for a reason. I don't care if you were high on drugs, drunk, won a lot of money, or were just "joking" when you ditched the person. A joke is always the truth and altered states diminish the censors in your brain. So whether we like it or not, you were always going to break up with them. LOL. With that, we never got back with each other..on my part. What I don't understand though, is why people even bother? ALL the people I know who've gotten back together after a break-up, all end up breaking up again anyways...in a shorter time period than they lasted the first go-round. So...why waste your time? I have three friends who have just been dumped. And the person who dumped them, keeps wanting to hang out or wants to "talk about it". Now..wait wait wait wait... "talk about it"? What the fuck? Really, though? You should've been talked about the situation waaaaaaaaay before you wanted to break it off. Two of these people are guys, and of course, their ex-girlfriends are the ones wanting to talk and hang out. If it were me, I'd suspect the tramps just wanted to cut the ties so they could go around and do whatever they wanted, while keeping these poor guys on a short leash in their pockets of tricks and treats. Same goes for the girl, who's the third person..except she's getting a lot of male attention on her facebook since she's newly single. I'd bet the ex-boyfriend isn't too pleased about that. :rollseyes:  This is why I cannot be bothered lmao. Relations are so stupid right now. I don't have time to play these games of beat around the bush and "everyone wants me and you don't have me" Girl, bye. I cannot. Most guys my age are worried about drinking, partying, and doing whatever else stupid shit they do. They can keep that. They really can. I give as much advice as I can to my friends but unfortunately, they're all lovedrunk with "what if's" and "maybe's". Shit, what happened to guarantees? Or at least a warranty. Cause if anyone of them gets back with these notably unreliable people...then I hope they can get the time reimbursed to their lives. I don't see it lasting. Sorry. As for me....the smart single one, I enjoy just talking to people and hanging out. That's guaranteed fun and there isn't pressure. Not saying I sleep with these people...trust me, I don't. Save that for somebody who's actually worth the time and doesn't give me all the aforementioned nonsense of boys my age. If they do, then we may have a deal. 'Til then, we go on fun outings and just chill out. I just really feel like "love" is thrown around so fluidly nowadays and people just step on others so quickly. Our attention spans are extremely low, so if someone doesn't call us back right away or text us right after we send something... "something is up". Get over yourselves. Love doesn't work that way and it is hard to find someone who understands that. I mean, I've been told "I Love You" by so many guys that I wasn't even with and it was based on all the wrong things. "Cause I'm nice and pretty" What? Really? Cause I have good friendship qualities, you love me and think we should be together? ......................... There's no hope if I'm completely exhausted by guys at 21 years old. til next time.. <3 x0x0 |