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moonchild
 lover.friend.daughter.sister.jewelry designer. student of life.creative.writer.cancer. native new yorker.residing in new jersey. Instagram
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i'm officially distant from the "at home" situation. i dont wanna know or hear about it anymore. and well i think i did more school work in this week than i've done in the past 3 and a half years of high school. I had a Mental retardation,Giftedness, and Autism report to do..got a 98. I had artwork to semi-complete (it's a life sized portrait of myself on a stool) and then I had ONE day to do a poster on CHILD DEVELOPMENT using my own pictures, and a research paper on Gender Roles. Now I am finishing up a report on Child Observation and blah blah. So stupid. My pyschology teacher is like..crazy. The end of the semester is next week, and she must think she HAS to give us all this work for some odd reason..and in all honesty, I love waiting til last minute. I work well under pressure..hence the 98 I got on that essay I did 5 hours before school. LOL. and this weekend..hasn't been anything exciting Friday I was wayy to beat and tired to go do anything spectacular. So ian just came over..around..hell i dont even know all i know is he left at 4:30. Yesterday? I worked from 12-7..supposed to be til 9 but its sooooo dead and Tie jus said i could leave if i wanted. So I went home ate..was supposed to go get coffe w/ mercedes..but she decided to be beat and not leave her house.. so i went home watched Issac (my new favorite obsession that ill get into later) and then i went out around1 with ian since he was at his aunts house w. family and we went to eat at menlo park diner. and today. today i was soooo tired. didnt help i got home at 5 and had to be at work at 11...so i woke up at 9:30 and omg..work was just so pointless. no one was there...we didnt sell til 12:30 and i ended up leaving at 3. now im sittin home. everyone is going to abyss and this kid steve asked me to go and ugh...i really dislike abyss. been there twice and there are just too many dirtbags there..three quarters of the people cannot dance. and its teen night. wtf. what is so fun about a teen night? all it usually is is a bunch of 13 year olds who swear they are 18 and try to buy drinks all night when HELLO..they aint selling any. that is just too beat for me. i mean might as well go to one51 or the coliseum. i know one bouncer at the coliseum and two at one51..so why even ask me to go to a teen night. ???? ANYWAYS, on to my new obsession. "Issac" on the STYLE network. If he isn't the best thing since sliced bread..then omg i dunno what is. He is HILARIOUS! Ugh I love him to death. He has some of the best guests on, and he's just so random. Like, you know how most hosts have to be professional, they read off cue cards and are directed where to stand and sit and blah blah blah. Well, not Issac..he runs all over his set, he does what he pleases, and hes so..its just funny how real and down to earth he is. Like, he knows hes doing a show, but it makes you feel real comfortable seeing how random and kind of unorganized he is. Oh , it's great. That show really enlightens me. Which is probably why the link to his part of the STYLE Newtork site is www.haveabetterday.com ! lol. You guys should definately watch him..on STYLE at 7PM and 11PM everyday. I'm about to go..my phone is telling me to "Check on it tonight"...lol ttyl. QUOTE OF THE DAY: "Delicious coffee anyone?" -Issac! everything is just wrong. my family, school,...everything. y'know i'm really glad i have work and the few people i hang out with. honestly, if it wasn't for those two things i'd be insane by now. i've already written about whats going on in my house with my brother..and it's only gotten worse. and ...ugh..i've witnessed it before, but right now it hurt even more to watch. i just wanna lock myself in my room sometimes and just..cry and cry and cry. its killing me. and with all of this going on i start thinking about other things..and they make me upset. sometimes i dont even know why im crying. its really too much. i really did not picture this year starting like this. its so unfortunate, it really is. it's not like i'm not trying to be optmistic either. i am. i'm trying to encourage myself every single day to pick myself up and go on because I can only be rewarded by taking care of myself and doing the right things. staying out of everyone elses business and focusing on me. which brings up another thing..i get these feelings of guilt that maybe i focus on myself too much. when i know i shouldnt be thinking that way;i should always come first to me. but its like, maybe i'm shutting people out because of this... see..i hate when i get upset about things..they make me think about other things a lot harder than i should and i get these thoughts out of left field, that are just so bizarre. i just can't help it. my friend Ian came over last night..and he talked to me about all of this, but first and foremost he let me vent. which kinda eased a lot things. but it was nice having someone who doesnt give me a big loud "sigh" when i bring something up that follows with a rant. i dont have many ppl who i can just straight out vent to. which is also another thing that i thought about and is very discouraging..but then just knowing he allowed me to do that encouraged me to just keep my head up. But..God..it all hurts so, so bad. and i hate to admit it but I'm scared..the whole situation scares me to death. i know i can only chose t grow from this, or to wallow in dispair. i want to grow from it, and i want to learn and make it positive. it is just so hard and confusing. you guys reading this probably think im out of my damn mind or something; not that i care..everyone needs to rant. and i know we all get confused and upset.. i just wish i knew a way this time to get through it.. shannon<3 QUOTE OF THE DAY: "I'm living, so I'm grateful.." <3 shannon QUOTE OF THE DAY: "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." -Ghandi you better believe i was doin the dances last friday at work. yess. lol and everyone is all like oo she can work it..blah blah she so good. yeah yeah..now they like her..haters. atleast people are seeing the light. anywho..what a week..so far! i been working since last thursday..YES! they got me slaving. besides for yesterday i called out sick. how triflin is this: i called not one, but three times. my shift was 4-8. i called at 11, 12:30, and 2.no one picked up. then i called like four times between 3 and 4 and no one picked up again..i finally called at 5 and they picked up and i got brian on the phone..why he gonna tell me why u didnt call us earlier? UM I CALLED 7 TIMES..OK?! he was like "wellll...did u get anyone to fill in for u?" im like "um. no. im sick. i dont have anyones number..im in no mood to call anyone..i cant help being sick." he was like um well talk to tiesha tomorrow, because thats a write up. im like wtf..i get written up for being SICK? are u kidding me tie never wrote me up for being sick before. so today i strutted my ass in there and tie was like no i dont get written up; DONT MIND BRIAN. fool. tryna act like he some queen. plz.. next ---> oh MONDAY, let me tell u guys..ugh. i donated blood out of the kindness of my heart..literally. first they asked me all these questions..almost wasnt able to give blood bc i went to the dominican republic, but since i didnt leave the resort i was alrite. then they had to prick my finger for iron and hemoglobin. well she did my left finger..it wasnt bad. but i had a 9.2. healthy is 12.6 and up. so now i have low iron and hemoglobin..she was clalin me anemic. so she pricked the other finger..like a drunken ho! she like sliced my finger..and then she was like ok good youre 12.9 in this hand. your good to go. meanwhile i got this huge slice in my finger..damn broad. i was pissed. so i walk over to the food table (they make us eat afterwards) and i was talkin to my friend angie and mercedes showed up. then i walked over to one of the open beds where this guy was doin ppl. (there was three nurses and each had three beds around them, so they were helpin three ppl) now there wasnt anyone tellin us where to go they jus told me to go on an open bed..so i sat down in the guys area. he turns around and goes "who told u to sit there?????" im like umm it was open. he goes so what! im like umm im supposed to go where theres an open bed. this was open so i sat myself down. soo..lets get this over with. and he was like oh now ure gonna get fresh, watch yourself. im like umm..listen. youre workin for the school, shut up. so i waited like 15 minutes til he finished the other ppl and he put the needle in..no big deal..i was done in three minutes. everyone else was there for 10 and mine was done in 3. thanks to the three bottles of water i drank prior to the needle. lol. when he took out of the needle i didnt feel anything til afterwards my arm hurt so bad. yesterday there was some bruising..that was normal. but Today..1. i cant feel the area around my elbow. 2.my hand is swollen and tingles. and 3. the bruise is HUGE and nasty and dark..its gross. it looks like im a victim of child abuse of domestic violence. this shit is insane. everyone is like u should sue blah blah. i have temporary nerve damage. they obviously hit a tendon and a nerve. i mean the needle was wayyy below where they normally put the needle. its was in my forearm. then today i was in guidance doing my transcripts and letters for college (sending them out) and the lady there was like yeha ppl were complaining the ppl werent very good. im like aw hell. these people. why do i always have to suffer these retarded ass random things? go figure. on a lighter note...ALL my college apps and mess are DONE! yesssss! im so happy and relieved. and whats even better, my guidance consuelor is going to push for me to get into a certain school. shes going to make phone calls and speak to the dean of admissions and all that bc she says she "believes in me". which is a great feeling..bc i need all the help i can get and its really nice to know that i have gotten all these great recommendation sheets and my guidance consuelor is not only calling for me, but she wrote a great recommendation also. so..*sigh* now all i do is pray. the college shes pushing for me is ramapo. man if i get in...whew. that'd be great. not only is it a nice campus and 15 minutes from nyc, but danielle n ana just got into there last week..and if we all went, we could request to room together................! im staying optimistic though..i have hope. i wrote my essay like it was the last piece i was ever going to write and it was going to leave my imprint on something or someone. and i just hope and pray that it does me justice. i put a lot into it. *crosses fingers for now* im going to go shower.<3 shannon<3 QUOTE OF THE DAY: "And to a world sick with racism, GET WELL SOON!" - Janet I can't seem to breath Feels like it hasn't been that long Since you walked away from me Now I can try to act real strong But you and I both know I still think of you, that way But baby I just wouldn't be the same Cuz you are still on my brain... -jt. shannon<3 QUOTE OF THE DAY: "Time doesn't wait for anyone; I shouldn't either..." -unknown. hmph shit. but yeah if i'm not on for awhile..this is the reason why. so right now we're going to costco to go see if we can get a new monitor for some cheap ass discount price..*pray for me* <3 shannon QUOTE OF THE DAY: "It doesn't matter how famous you become, or how much money you make...you'll never be as important as the ocean." -Justice Poetic Justice for one, my family is ...well..actually i dont know any words to describe whats going on. basically i think, my brother bobby is back on drugs. my brother jeremy is missing his $550 watch, and my dad discovered last night that $6000 worth of his fishing equipment and tools are missing. they all looked at my brother. and i didnt at first...they've always blamed him for a lot of things and have always been on his case..i've tried to stay as nuetral and understanding as possible. but in this case..it's just too much..in this case it does point to him. and it hurts..so, bad. this is his 3rd time out of rehab. he was lucky he even went to rehab bc he was going to be sent to rykers. he has a son now..and you'd think he'd clean up and stay that way...that baby is all he has to live for. and that baby needs a father..and all i see is him letting his son down and letting his family down. as much as my family has been on his case about things..i know they all mean well and they all care about him. i just dont think he knows that; despite the infinite times he has been told. and im also angered..because this is all so selfish to me. hes taking advantage of the fact my parents let him move back in. hes taken advantage of the fact that my sister in law lets him see the baby..with the way he treats her. i mean shes not the holiest person in the whole..shes a bit shady too but shes smart. and she knows that baby has to see his father. but he doesnt understand the morality of the situation. and he takes it all for granted. i dont know what has to happen for him to realize that everything he is and everything hes able to have right now can all be taken away in the snap of a finger. he can be in jail..never see his son and never be able to set his life straight til he gets out. it upsets me so much to kno that hes not better and that he may even be put away. i mean yesterday at work my mom came in before she was going to leave and told me about the equipment bc my father called her cell n told her..and she left and i just couldnt help but cry..i was standing in the store..and i just started to bawl. im thankful i work with great ppl..one of the guys jamal took me in the back and talked to me and got me water and made me a feel a little better..but all last night i was just so out of it...because i know. I know whats going on..and it's different this time because I'm older and I;m able to understand what this is and think about it..as opposed to being 5 years old the first time my 2oldest brothers got into drugs and watching them fight and get kicked out the house and just not know what actually happened. and even tthough those memories came up a while back and hurt...these i will admit..hurt even more. the consequences are more serious..and this is his life i'm scared for. i'm scared..and it scares me even more that I have no solution..but to be his sister. another thing..my heart is overwhelming me. it's just simply losing patience i think..and i'm fighting that because i never feel the way i have. i dont want to lose that. i mean..even my friends have told me..omg you have emotion! and with this its different it makes me/made me happy..and it made me cheerful..unwillingly. and now i feel like...stagnant. i dont know..all i know is i dont want to lose this feeling..i honestly, truly do believe that this is for me..whether or not its in my face face saying "YES this will work"...i believe it..i believe in the preconceived future from my subconscious. lol it just feel like it'd be right. And thats my battle...to make it a truth. i just dont' know how yet.. but um..i'm gonna go DL some music.. shannon<3 QUOTE OF THE DAY: "When people show you who they are the first time, believe them." - Maya Angelou i'd write right now..but i have hw..a shower..some other ish to do..and my heart is hurting. :'( so i'll write when i'm in a happier state of mind. not to mention when i change this damn layout. yuck! i can't stand it. <3 shannon. QUOTE OF THE DAY: "Great things come in time." -Unknown. ok so what happened this weekend? not much. I worked Saturday..missed the SATs in the morning; I was sick. Then at 5:30 I went to work. It was...so-so. I saw Dave and Mike..two kids who I hardly know but act like they know me. Oh Anthony came and visited me..with JULIAN. I was soooo suprised..I haven't seen Julian in sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo long. Ugh he's so adorable. He's changed though..a lot. :-/ Anywho. OH! You know who else came to my job??? This triflin' ass lady who I got in a fight with at Marshalls back in the Spring..YEAH! This ho had nerve too. She real ugly and skinny..no style whatsoever..(See back in the springtime I was in Marshalls trying on blazers and whatever..and I guess she tried one on and didnt like it, and put it back on the rack outside the dressing rooms; and I passed by it, liked, tried it on, it fit, so I gave it to my mom to hold. Well the bitch came back out and was like where is my blazer I want it now. Then I came out after I changed my clothes and I was like "whats going on?" and my mom was like she wants this jacket. I was like um no. did u buy it? and she was like no and i told her well then it aint yours, your beat. and she was like but i tried it on first. i was like so who gives a damn u put it back u didnt want it, u lost. this aint a charity event. and she got the managers and whoever else in creation and they were like we cant do anything u didnt buy it. u put it back and they took it. then she followed us in the parking lot and my mom was like bitch keep following us i will run you over. and thats the last we saw her) She came in the store and wanted to try on these hootchie boots. So i got her size..w/e why she throw the boot at me and told me "take out the stuffing" im like excuse me..im an associate..not a slave. so she did it herself. then she got nerve..she asked me to take off the shoe from her foot. i was like my name aint Hazel..take off your own shoe..you aint the only customer. All my co-workers were like..W T F..shannon put her in her place! but I remained civilized as i possibly could. she eventually bought the $118 boots. but UGH what a ho. on a better and more enlightening note, I came home at about..11:15...Danielle called at 11:45 to go out with her. So I did.. :) On the way, we picked up eddddieee and we traveled to the Menlo Park Diner..for (me) a cappuccino and some shootin practice with a ketchup bottle. ..yeah.. and none of us had any skills. danielle was waaay too hyper for her own good. lmao. but i think we had a nice..40 minutes at the diner. atleast i did. :) oh new topic-- ok so i discovered Donnel Jones' new song featuring Jermaine Dupri last night on BET Late. "Better Start Talking"...ooh yes. "...Girl, can't you see? She wants to Take your place She wanna give me everything That you don't Don't let her just Walk right in Don't make a big mistake.. Pick it up So good that I can't let go You Better Start Talking.." Ah ha. How great is that. And it was so odd..bc I randomly woke up and it was on the tv..i heard the chorus..and it sang to ME! Yes, it did. lmao. Y'know..I'm not really going to go there.lmao. Let the song speak for itself. It's 11:09 and I gotta take a shower. So..I'll return another time. <3 shannon QUOTE OF THE DAY: " Doing what we love should be like breathing, we can't live a day without it." -OPRAH! i was sick tuesday and wednesday...and yesterday..was just not a good day. i didn't sleep...maybe about an hour if anything. my eyes just would close for the reason i needed them to. but that's done with. and today well i just came home from school early i got sick this morning so..go figure. my stomach hasnt been right. im starting to think it's nerves...sigh and after this week my nerves are shot to hell. so its probably why my stomach is so sensitive right now. i dunno i just wanna go in my bed..curl up under the covers and sleep for as long as i possibly can.. Maybe I'm the only one who loves the security of your own bed. When it's cold..it's warm. When your tired..it rests your head. OK so i have issues..lmao. Honestly I don't know what to write about right now..I wanna write about so many things..but it won't come out right. And I have this tendancy to never admit as a whole..how I feel to people. Not that people have any right to know what I'm feeling..nor do they care probably..but it helps, and its just something I have a problem...even writing; let alone saying. Sometimes I wish I could just scream it out at people..just to get it out. I have no problem telling people my opinion of things or my opinion of them....but my feelings? No..I can't ever picture myself just telling someone my inner most thoughts..fears...lusts..loves..saddnesses. Maybe my problem is that I don't want to relive them. That if I retell them..it'll just bring back those things...the things I hide for such petty reasons. And this here reminds me of "The Velvet Rope" now that I re-read it quickly... Let me explain what I mean by that for those who don't own that album... It's a metaphor..velvet ropes in reality separate people. At clubs they separate the regular part of the club, from the VIP. What's so special about VIP? Well we don't really know..we don't know those people; and probably never will because they're not accessible to us. Now if you look at that situation figuratively..we as people put our own velvet ropes up. We block things out that we don't want to coincide or intertwine with our lives..things we experience that we'd rather not talk about, that we'd rather not admit, that we'd rather sweep under the rug. With that, people never find out who we are..because our experiences define us. They make us stronger, they make us smarter..and blocking them out is that velvet rope separating us from knowing ourselves and letting other people know who we are. And i realize..which is weird..bc I know what the situation is..but i realize that's exactly what I'm doing. Eventually I'm going to trip over that heap I swept under the rug. Which is what I don't want... I guess I still have to work on it all...get my thoughts together in time. I'm going to just shut up now..go upstairs..and curl under my covers and rest my head.. <3 shannon QUOTE OF THE DAY: ".....Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they are meant to be there to serve a purpose, to teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are. You never know who these people may be, but when you lock eyes with them, you know that every moment they will effect your life in some way." - Unknown i'm tired..i didn't sleep until 4 am this morning..just had waaaaaaaay too much on my mind for my own good. my own impatience being one. *rolls eyes* i'm about to go clean my room..so maybe i'll write something worth reading later.. <3 shannon. QUOTE OF THE DAY: Believe in yourself, because in the end, no one else will. -Janet. ahhh..i'm so..i don't know. i'm happy. i'm real happy. even today at work..i was all smiles and they were all asking me wtf is up. lol alex (one of the managers) was like "girl..why are you smiling so much?! there are waaay too many retarded ass people walking around doing stupid shit in the store for you to be so happy. What's so great that you all smiley and giddy?" I laughed, because he said "giddy"..which not a lot of people say and he was like "See..you gotta tell me now..why you so smiley!?" And I sort of have an answer..and I sort of don't. LOL. That doesn't make an type of sense..but there's a possible answer that may arise for my good mood..but for now I'm keeping the mood. I hope yall understood that..lol OK so anyways..speaking of work..I hustled today..whaaat! I'ma hustla, I'ma I'ma hustla homie! Ask about me! hahaha. I called the store couple minutes ago and i was {$3500} Ooo you guys just don't understand my sale-ness. But right now I have to go...me and danielle are about to wreck Jersey. so i'll ttyl. all my love<3 :) shannon* QUOTE OF THE DAY: Do not fear mistakes, there are none. -Miles Davis i hope you all eat as much as your stomach can hold! get real plump...and pass out on the couch! yeah....that's what Thanksgiving is all about...food obsessed America..you gotta love it! LMAO. Anywho..my dad broke the oven this morning. Y'know..he never listens. We tell him to stay out..afterall his name is not Emeril..and he burns hotdogs..he has no culinary skills whatsoever besides when cooking fish; and there's no fish on Thanksgiving...in my house atleast. lol. So me and my mom went in the basement to bring up food that was prepared yesterday and we hear a big bang. We come upstairs and the oven doesn't even TURN ON! W T F dad. The day we need it the most..he breaks the dang oven. Go FIGURE! Thank the Lord we have a kitchen in the basement...or else I wouldve sent him to go break into Best Buy and rob us a new oven. The family comes over in about...45minutes to an hour. That'd be 2 PM my ppl who cannot tell time. lol. I haven't showered yet either..not that I need to..I took one this morning..but I smell like...lets see..mashed potatoes..sweet potatoes, pumpkin pie, apple pie, stuffing, and turkey gravy..that is so not appealing..lol. & to make things even more merry...of all days out of the month..today is my day. Psh..I'm just gonna take 4 advil..and pray that this doesn't ruin my day of over-eating. (most likely, it won't). I haven't the slightest idea, how I'm going to roll out the bed tomorrow morning to go to work..on BLACK FRIDAY. I'm going to be full beyond my capacity..and irritable..I hope I don't get in a fight with any customers..lmao. I need the money..my check yesterday was $99.05. Pretty good for only 3 days of work being I missed a whole week because of vacation..but still you can't survive off $99.05. So this upcoming holiday/special weekend that I'm working..(yes, I'm working Friday-Saturday-Sunday) I'm gonna make a shitload of commission. Probably won't end up spending it on myself either..I have to buy X-Mas presents this year...the first time too.lmao. THAT'S CORRECT EVERYONE. If you're anyone who anybody to me...you will be receiving a present from me this year..because I now can afford this stuff. If I don't make a lot..I'm telling you guys right now..you WILL be getting a cheap ass present. So...don't be mad if you get a toothbrush...or a card of thoughtful-ness..or an ornament made from popsicle sticks. Remember..it's the thought that counts and the fact that I got to eat while making your present. :D OK I have to go back into the war-zone...aka the kitchen to finish up a few things with my mama. Then I have to throw myself in the shower before the army gets here. TTYL I hope you all enjoy your day...all my love ;) shannon* QUOTE OF THE DAY: There are plenty of people who don't like me, but there are ten times more who love me; and I love myself. - Beyonce I woke up in a great mood..I was in school very enthusiastic and cheerful...I came home..and I was still cheesy. Took a nap...woke up...and I WAS STILL SMILING. I am so corny. lmao. Turkey Day tomorrow. Yesssssssssss! I can smell it all already. All the aunts minus one were here today cooking and conjuring up all the festivities to dig into tomorrow. Basically everyone and their sisters grandmas cousin will be here tomorrow..in my house. YAY! Gotta love family. See somethin's up..i just reacted with a YAY! to having every bit of family here tomorrow.. Anyways. I have decided I will end each of my future entries with quotes. Why? I dunno I feel quotes are oceans of intellectual thought. They can be discussed and interpreted in numerous ways. We all know what we read is the same...but the meaning varies from person to person. Kind of like music, the lyrics are the same to everyone when we read them and hear them..but the messages are extremely different. Which is the beautiful thing about the human intellect in my eyes...so..here's todays quote from moi: QUOTE OF THE DAY! We all have the need to feel special. It's this need that can bring out the best in us; yet the worst in us. <--- Janet Jackson im back in action. **edited*...i feel like a little school girl..how silly. anywho on an even more frustrating topic of mine..college. W T F. who made this process to damn retarded? its so much. and not to mention my GPA and my SAT score make no sense. My GPA is a damn 2.4 and my SAT score is a 1590. Hello. Someone explain that. I'm under-qualified with my GPA and over-qualified for my SATs. Go figure. I seriously doubt I'm going to get into where I really wanna go..which is La Salle...I seriously doubt I'm going to get into my second choice, which is Ramapo. I don't know what the hell to do. I'm just going to send these bitches in, and see wtf happens. As long as I don't go to Middlesex, I'm straight. Going to Middlesex is like going to 13th grade. And I'm not about to stay in high school with the rest of the people who I;m trying to get away from and avoid. There's way too much I want to do...I have a lot of dreams..and looking at the way the system is run; I'm in no position to actually get anywhere.. And this is how I'm feeling ATM. It's so difficult...but i do know it'll pass. I'm optimistic. ttyl. going out with the bro in a couple. LOL. Yes, this is another long talk from moi. Don't you hate when you have feelings you know you shouldn't have? Or when you think you're going about things right, but when shit hits you, you wish you could go back? Regret. We all share it. It's understandable though, if you have feelings that you regret, because of whatever reasons, you can't help yourself. It's something that came on natural..yet we blame ourselves as if we have faulted; as if we have once again "wasted" precious time thinking about one thing, when we could've been doing something productive. I'm a current victim of the sad feeling of regret. I know I shouldn't feel this way..but as Aaliyah said "It's Whatever". Y'see, I'm very,...fond, of this person I know..very much so. We're good friends actually...we always were I always had a little thing for this person..but this person is not interested, from what I believe and is involved. So, of course, here comes regret.."SHANNON! Why are you wasting your time?"...Regret, I honestly have no idea..it's just how I feel. it's either I get rid of you, or drive myself crazy, just because I'm disappointed that my feelings aren't returned. I chose to get rid of you. Now it's the road that's less chosen...the road to understanding the fact yeah, its not going your way but appreciate wtf you have.. Chronicle: Regret Pt II tomorrow..lmao P.S. I GOT MY LICENSE TODAY! oh well..not a lot happened anyways. LOL. besides the fact danielle and i have been together like peanut butter n jelly lately. good times. i get my license in two days and i go on VACATION NEXT WEEK..well..Sunday. HOLLA! oh i got my senior pictures today..the proofs..Hell..I look HORRIBLE. besides like two pictures, and they're lucky one of them was the ones that go in the yearbook. because i was NOT taking that shit over again. *whitney voice* aw heyyyl nawwww bobbaay! oh my gosh..u know what i found last night? my diary from 4th-7th grade! *falls on the floor laughing* SOOOO HILARIOUS. it's soo weird how much we change..my first entry read: November 24, 1997 dear book, i got this book in the mail from my moms friend for thanksgiving. weird lady...she sends gifts on thanksgiving? im going to use this as my diary book though, so im going to write about my days as a person who is 9 and just went into the 4th grade. because duh..i am 9 and im in the 4th grade. today i was school and my teacher mrs giordano switched our seats! can you belive this?? finally i dont have to sit next to the smelly boy chris!!!! now i sit next to giorgio in the front of the class. hes nice and he dont smell. which i am happy about. i get mad though because chris never did his homework and i didnt too so we both would go to study hall and not get yelled at because we sat next to each other. but now i sit with giorgio and he does his homework a lot and i get in trouble after miss giordano checks his homework because i never do it. oh well.i hate homework and will never do it again. so miss giordano can just stop telling me to do my homework and send me to study halls. i also went to band today. i play the clarinet. i cant play really though, i just blow in it and put my fingers on the keys and make it look like im doing it. i really dont know what im doings. its weird because my clarinet sounds better then a girl near me and she said she can play. yeah right stupid girl! ok well im going to write tomorrow again. bye. shannon. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I was such a fool. still am..but not that much. LMAO. oh and BTW, i have a..current love interest. :x hey boy how ya doin'? you are the guy i am really pursuin' For instance..tonight. :x Old news is sooooooooooooooooo refreshing sometimes..in every way possible. I'm glad I can assist a friend too, and as far as I know I assisted pretty phenomenally. LMAO. "Just like a small red fruit..dipped in a dark luscious creamy dessert topping" Thank you Einstein. LMAO. So funny. Thank you.. ;) what a birthday i had this year..it lasted FOUR days..*holleria* friday (my actual birthday), me mercedes tabbetha and sino went to the cheesecake factory and to the mall. that was real nice..afterwards we took pictures in these booths.. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v71/mzshannon/ticket.jpg AND http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v71/mzshannon/picsktech.jpg LOL. that night we sat around my firepit..(me mercedes tabbetha duke will jameson-wills cousin and stephen....-_- ) anywho it was fun. Saturday, I went to the city..walked aroundthe South Street Sea Port, then went to 8th st. and i found this tour tshirt from the "janet." world tour 93-94..i had to get it..it was only $9.99..so i said what the hell. lol It's a nice shirt..its an XL though..so it's like a dress on me lmao. Then we went to Amicis II in Little Italy..the place I always go for my birthday..the guys there call me the princess. lol They're so sweet though..they turn out all the lights and sing happy birthday, then throw pans on the floor and yell and whatnot lol..Yeah, REAL italians. lol When the guy first came out with my tiramisu w/ the candle he made everyone in the place b quiet and he was like "I want everyone to celebrate this day..and sing happy birthday to this beautiful princess, it's Shannon's birthday everybody.." I was dyyyyyin... I was so embarrassed..but I loved it. lmao..i will not lie. haha. Anyways, Sunday me and my mom went shopping..and i got a whole bunch of clothes..the new Guess fragrance..(*SMELLS SO GOOD!*) and guess what else! I SEEN STEPH! lmao. I was so happy! We're so stupid tho..we ran and hugged each other like we aint seen each other in years..haha. We talked for a while, then me and my mama went to go eat at the Cheesecake Factory. Good stuff. Twice in a weekend lmao. After that..we went to visit Danielle and her mom.we were there for a good, hm..hour i guess..we chatted and whatnot...the usual lol. then i came home...and watched the Good Times marathon from 11PM to 2:30 in the morning. hahaha. I love that show..."Catfish FACE!" BTW its gonna be on TVLAND now! every night @ 10! HoLLERiA! TODAY IS MY DAY OF BIRTH! I'M 17 @ 10:10 AM HOLLERIA! lmfao Jill!  Meet George everyone..this is my adopted Tiger. lol Don't look at me that way, like everything is alright Cuz my own eyes can see, through all your false pretenses But what you fail to see, is all the consequences You think our lives are cheap, and easy to be wasted As history repeats, so foul you can taste it And while the people sleep, too comfortable to face it His life so incomplete, and nothing can replace it And while the people sleep, too comfortable to face it Your lives so incomplete, and nothing can replace it Fret not thyself I say, against these laws of man Cuz like the Bible says, His blood is on their hands And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say, is rebel While today is still today, choose well And what I gotta say, is rebel, it can't go down this way Choose well, choose well, choose well... And while the people sleep, too comfortable to face it Your lives are so incomplete, and nothing, and no one, can replace it No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say Is rebel... rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel Rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel Repent, the day is far too spent, rebel... rebel! Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up... Wake up and rebel We must destroy in order to rebuild Wake up, you might as well Oh are you... oh are you satisfied Oh are you satisfied Rebel... ohhh rebel Why don't you rebel, why don't you rebel? Why don't you rebel? Rebel- Lauryn Hill. Ok so today was a mixture of good and bad news. Let's start with the bad, I'd rather end on a good note. =) So I go to work today...and I'm not on the roster. WTF! Yo if they mess with my schedule again I swear someone is going to get beat. I told Mike the guy who makes the schedule I wasn't gonna be here this weekend so put me on for Mon, Tues, and Thurs. I saw him put it on the computer. But no I get a call yesterday askin me where was I...I was scheduled to go in at 2PM. Um..hello.. no, I was not. So it's two days I don';t get paid for. As for good news..I GOT MY REPORT CARD..and how very sexy it is. All A's and a B. WHAT!!!!!!!! *pops collar* Academic and Attitude Honor Rolls...holllaaaaaaaaaaaa. Sweet Sweet Victory is MINE! My dad was like "Youre hooptie is now upgraded to a sedan!" I was like "that's whats upppp !" I wonder WHEN I'm going to go get my car...hm.. Ohh I gotta show you guy what I bought for my iPod yesterday. It's a fuckin shield...literally..lmao  It has two layers of plastic and rubber to protet the iPod. So basically...I can throw it at a wall...drop it down stairs..and nothing will happen. Why they didn't invent this before my bros GF's cat knocked my old one down the stairs..I will never know..but its here and i bought it...and i LOVES it. but um now..they're only makin the color iPods..so i dunno wtf ima do when i need a new battery.. ugh problems, problems, and more problems. ill just save my pennies and i guess buy a iPod photo one day.. *sigh*  I bought this today at The Gap. On sale $6.99..Oooh I'm good. A pink sequined belt..it's real pretty. I like it. They had it in grren and blue but I have alot of reds, and pinks so..this was the smartest bet. =) I'll see u ppl laterrrr ------------------------ i just read this old letter written to Essence magazine by Janet Jackson called, I, Janet and it was probably the most honest, empowering, and intelligent thing my eyes have come across. Y'know everyone says "Oh, celebrities are rich, and all they do is make their music and spend money". Though true, they are very wealthy, and they spend their money on lavish and luxurious things, and alot do have no brains at all, there are a few people (yes, I'm calling them people, because they're human beings just like the rest of us) out there who don't have that facade. Thye might have a role they play, but few admit it. Few admit that they are criticisizing of themselves, few admit that they have problems, probably (not trying to sound like I would know..I obviously wouldn't but from reading and alot of media research-) because theres a barrier there, separating them from who they were before the attention, and who they are now with money and fame. As much as people would call it BS, money and fame is an enormous pressure. Yea, you're able to live a fabulous materialistic life, but it's true when people say "Money doesn't buy happiness". You can easily lose sight of who you are, thinking you have to live up to a flawless, perfect slate of a human being because of the media, because of the money, because you have so many loyal and loving fans who look up to you. I don't think I've seen more then a handful or two, artists who have admitted to their public that, they are, they have to be, two different people, and the hardest person to be is their trueself. Reading this letter written to Essence, in my opinion, you're able to gain a whole new respect for the person (Janet). Not only because she's being brutally honest about herself, but because she's (shocking to some people, why? I don't know) immensely intelligent. Some people aren't meant to speak at all, some aren't meant to make it far in life, some people aren't able to comprehend things to an extent where they can understand them, and make use of it (advice), but in this letter, it really shows the double life she suffered from for so long. Dealing for so long, with the struggle of trying to find herself, because she felt she had to be this flawless person because of what she was born into. Then later, realizing, speaking, dealing, healing, and admitting what she needed to stop hiding, the fact that she too had problems and even though she did, she was a beautiful person for doing so. For so long, she hated herself because of supressed feelings but came to the realization that, "Hey, I'm human, I'm like everyone else, and whether or not people like it, I'm not perfect." Who does that? Who puts themselves; their life out there like that for the free world to dive into and nit pick? A courageous, and strong person does. It's humility. What alot of people lack, being able to face their own imperfections and accept that, "Yes, I'm not perfect, but I'm happy with who I am" There's just so much shown about a person when they are able to do that.I, myself I don't know how honest it would be to say, "I know I'm not perfect, but I'm pleased with the person I'm turning out to be". People take years to figure out who they are, and to come to terms with themselves. Hell..I'm only 16. Who knows what will happen 10-15 years from now, I'm sure I'll have struggles, I'm sure I'll have depressions, I'm sure I'll face things that will take a brutally honest person to accept and to admit. But I truly, do feel that at this point, with all I've seen and the things I've been through, I've been given an opportunity at this age to examine myself to a certain extent, and feel proud of me. I refuse to take full credit for it though, because I've been inspired, and I've been guided. I'm appreciative, and I'm grateful that at a young age I was able to use my most extensive characteristics, being observant and being able to sit back and listen, and put them to use. I'm still learning, I know I am, I learn about myself everyday, but reading that letter, it really shows how easily, and how quickly you can lose yourself. You really have to be focused on you, and you have to try so hard to make the best choices that your heart and mind know how to make. I'm not saying go through life hesitantly, but go through life being aware that there might be a hole around the corner that you might fall into and strength, determination, and self love is the only way you're going to get out it. REPOST FROM o2/23/o5 ---------------------------- I just thought I'd repost that. I came across it in my archives and lived it all over again. BTW the letter is still in my links if you guys wanna read it. ^__^ "Mr. Intentional" is the greatest..especially if you listen to it..and link it to things that are going on right now. The G8 and the fight to eliminate the debt in all of the countries in Africa, which are, without doubt, the most poverty stricken countries in the world. All these politicians are so gung-ho about helping and aiding these countries...yet they pile these UNPAYABLE debts on them..there is NO way in this century or probably the next 1000 years that these countries can pay these debts. Yet a lot of the politicians are in our face, on tv saying how they are helping and sending their money over there..like we should be PROUD. Yeah..right. Because they might send their money there but they also are telling these countries they have to pay them back. What is the point? Because either way, these people are still losing their fight to prosper. These politicians play with you/us. They want us to see all this "good" they do, but they never tell of the catch in the situation. Yet, people wonder why the world is still like this, why children die every two seconds all over the world of starvation and malnutrition. Well because of Live 8 people know..which is a wonderful thing. But listening to the song "Mr. Intentional", and linking it with the current situation in the world...you understand these politicians intentions. They don't intend to really HELP. I mean, some do, but the majority intend to use the weaknesses of others and use their own wealth to use these people to gain their own recognition and build up their egos. Meanwhile, the people they use lose more than what they started out with. It's sick...and it hurts to know it. If you can..click the link in the upper right hand corner...and sign the G8 petition..to drop the $40 billion dollar debts. Support the cause...and stop "Mr. Intentional". ITS ME! yea yea i'm hurr....I have arrived. Even though, I never left! lol I been working people..well first I was finishing school..anxious..so anxious to finish this junior year..then I got my job at Chilis on the role...they got me slaving every weekend. Get this..they got me working this holiday weekend..AND MONDAY THE FOURTH! What the hell...like I have no life..y'know I would like to go to the beach in Long Island too y'know.. :( anywhoo.. Today wasn't so bad I made two new friends, Amber and Jen. They're in for training now but Amber is going to be a hostess so she was with me most of the day. They're nice people. Speaking of friends..I had a revelation. Yes, a revelation. I have a friend...and I know I have...wait let me clear this... A FRIEND. As in singular..lol but still one is better than the none I had. I mean I had aquaintances but no one who I could talk to forreal..and I realize I got that in Steph. *hugs* *throws up signs and poses* LMAO. OHH I GOTTA TELL YALL BOUT JOHN LEGENDS CONCERT! OMG! IT WAS SOOOOO *CODY VOICE* AWDACHAIN! And get this....he KISSED MY HAND! Yes....he KISSED my hand....*faints* He did all of his songs from his album and all his collaborations.. Yo it was one of the best concerts I ever been to..EVER! It was so hype. And after the show I met Lyfe Jennings he was really good too..really sweet..really humble. He gave me a hug and his autograph..it was such a hot concert..omg.GO SEE HIM IF YALL CAN! i'ma go eat now i'll bbl. P.S. MY BIRTHDAY IN 20 DAYS BITCHES! tomorrow NIGHT im going to LONG ISLAND wo0t wo0t! hamptons..montauk..yeaaa boyyyyy! first visit of thee year..this summer better be off the chains out there..bc im so sick of being bored out my damn ass..all old ppl noo type of young civilization..i need to meet me some damn friends out there..all the ppl my age are in the hamptons..how ima get there to meet ppl? i dunno ima find some sort of transportation bc i am NOT hangin with some old folk this time around..cause if ima do that i might as well go to a senior citizen center an play some bingo. shoot. i just have a feeling this summer out there is gonna be a good one. and if its nice eenough..ill go throw myself on the beach..enjoy the sun the sand the water..ooo..i love it.. :) sport my new bathing suits...whaaat! yall know they were bargains too lmao. im through with spendin over $110 on a dang bathing suit..and the shit fitting me for one month and then POOF something gotta grow.. screw that! its all about the cheap ass bathing suits u can wear forever and look fly as hell in at the same time. yes yes! anywho..im about to go change wash my face turn on some d'angelo and get me some beauty sleep...ttyl! ;) i started work today! yup..it's pretty fun..even though I am the youngest person there..kinda akward..but everybody is real nice. :) & Can we say "easy"? Hosting is soo easy! It's not even funny; most people think "Oh you have to memorize all them table #'s and what not.." I already know all the tables..and I just started. So you KNOW it's easy lol. I'm only going to be working weekends...until school is out. So I do lunches from 11-4, which isn't bad. I don't have a car..so it isn't like I have so many places to go, and I don't hang out with many ppl from school..so w/e lol. Speakin' of ppl from school..Steph came over yesterday! lmao. We are clowns..clowns and shameless fanatics. Let's see..we watched "Poetic Justice", the "All For You Hawaii DVD" Would You Mind extras, and ate danced and acted straight retarded. Not to mention I got a whole talent show re-enactment too lmao.. i heart steph. lmfao WE'RE BETTER OFF ALOOOONE! Right, Steph? lol my love don't cost a thing, thing, thing, thing Ah shoot..lol Anyways..i might b getting my phone tomorroww..hopefully..i need 2 talk to some ppl lol ohhh yea 27 DAYS TIL' JOHN LEGEND!!!!!!!!! AHHH! let me calm down..before i have to take a cold shower..ugh i loove him.. ^_^ WHY am have i heard 'dangerously in love' over 20 times since i got in last night? & crazy in love. everywhere i go..circuit city..this community center..school..the bus..the car..home..goodness. lmao BTW i'm sick! yay! :( -ends sarcasm- i dunno whats wrong with me..i think im exhausted..wtf i did? i dunno.. People..I'm feeling..so..different. I kinda know why..but the point is..I never really felt like this. And another thing..I don't even know..if anything is actually there- did that make sense? lol oh well.. im jus so confident and comfortable with what is goin on and what could "possibly" or is, there. i mean..i hope there is something there..i'd really like for something to brew.. these butterflies, they never lie. its just really weird..and different..and i actually..really very early on..feel this way..which is really really not me..im just very intrigued at the moment.it feels good though..hopefully things work out the way they seem to be. :) then i'd put it into detail...as for now..i just needed to get that out lol yesterday..all day i was fine happy whatever..then these dumb ignorant kids in my class of the day gotta mess with me. i hope this doesn't sound bad..i don't mean for it to, but I'm kind of used to guys passing comments about me..y'know how guys can be..and I get it all the time..and I just learned to ignore it most of the time..but they started irritating me the beginning of class..then one passed a comment i knew was towards me across the room, and then i was called up to the board to do a damn equation and i couldnt even think about wtf I was doin..bc behind me..the animals were makin..just..disrespectful comments...and i started getting angry..i finished the problem and as i walked to my seat, i was like "y'know...yall deserve to be fuckin slapped...you think i dont know..both of yall need a slap..grow the fuck up" then i just got really uncomfortable and upset...i dunno why..it just really really bothered me.. and today i took the wrong allergy pills and was drugged out my ass...i was SOO drowsy..i couldnt even keep my eyes open.. i'll write later..i have to go to staten island and pick up my nephew.. I'M GOIN' TO SEE :  JOHN LEGEND! Yup..June 17th @ Starland Ballroom in Sayerville. My brother Jeremy bought two tickets and said he was taking me for my birthday. What! What! I cannot wait! AHH. Love him to death..anyone who doesn't have his album..go get it. And if you do have it and don't like it..you suck, because it's AMAZING! I'm soo estatic..*twirls around* almost every night dancin til i thought i'd lose my breath now it seems your dancin feet are always on my couch good thing i cook... cause you love to eat it's a damn shame... LMAO. love that tour version. anywho...whats goin on folks? ok i sooo have no desire to write anything..im so tired..so "blah" today... :( i guess i'll either write later or tomorrow if im in a better mood...  So Mimi's new album came out yesterday..I hope all you ppl got it..or else... *grins* It's a good album..yes, it is. Anywho..school was sooo nasty today..a sewer pipe broke or backed up..somethin..but it smelled like vomit ALL DAY...*gags* My school is so broke it is not even funny..poor asses <_< Itty is coming over sooooooon...he's brining chutes and ladders, and candyland.lmao. and some other toys..not really worth mentioning. i dunno why im gonna play these games and hang out when i have to go and re type an essay thats due tomorrow for english..*sigh* my teacher be havin us write out our damn asses..non stop..i mean i love to write..but goddamn..you'd think I have 6 hands.............. hm. lol i gottta gooo..i'll write later.. i wrote a new poem today..while falling asleep in English..i wasn't sure about a title, so i named it "Untitled" Let me know what you think~ edited* The Emancipation of Mimi is out todaaaay! :) GO GET IT! so what's been going on with me? well.spring break was..eh..alright. Spent a lot of time w/ Mercedes driving around and goin to eat. A lot of time with Itty...we had..well..fun i guess..ice cream and movies..and INELS! *dead* Last week went SO fast..I'm doing good in art. I basically aced the semester, english..who knows. See the class is SO easy for me..that I think I just slacked. *sigh* I have no idea why I did that..bc I aced the first part of the 1st semester and the second half well..i didnt do an essay..why? i dunno..no one will ever know. Geometry..STOP THE PRESS! I DID EXCELLENT. what ! what ! I deserve a party I dont think I've ever done really well in ANY math class..(as kirk says..that proves I'm an artist.lmao) But still..I'm soo happpppy. And gym..yo! I GOTTA TELL MY STORY. ok so we're runnin the mile last thursday right? and i started to wheeze bc of my allergies and whatever so I told my teacher I really couldnt breathe too well and this ho got the nerve to tell me "If you stop running you get an F!" and lawd knows I need to get exempt from takin some damn gym final so I ran..and 5 minutes later it was worse..so after gym i figured it will wear off. WRONG! i was in 2nd block for like 3 minutes and i had to go to the nurse bc i could hardly get air into my lungs and they said my heart rate was sky high and that i was experiencing an asthma attack. WHAT! THE GRINCH MADE ME RUN AND I HAD AN ASTHMA ATTACK! *<_<* anyways they sent me home and i used my old inhalers from when i had pnuemonia. but UGH...i swear on oreos..she better not get on my bad side...bc im gon tell her she almost made me kick the bucket. then she wouldve been really upset..with a lawsuit up the ass. stupid ass low life gym teachers.. as for right now i gotta goooo...bc i plan to wake up early to straighten my hair..bc i dont wanna blow dry it..so i gotta go get my beauty sleep. lmao jk. 'nite' Anywho..NEW layout..what! what! I'm enjoying it I think it's simple, yet..intuitive. Yes, intuitive. ^_^ i'll be right back to write more..i have to go shower real quick...chao chao. See..I've been waiting for Spring Break...so I've just been bombarded with focusing on getting all my work in..and even doing that..I have a damn quiz to make up..wtf. BUT! I'm going to start on my essay for my guidance consuelor. I'm going to contribute to her book on Adolescents and High School...and she even asked to design her cover ^_^ !! So this oughta' be interesting. I have decided to be as open as possible with my essay..even though my name with confidential I was kinda skeptical about just letting everything out there..but everything kinda coincides with the subjects and wtf is going on my little world, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who goes/has gone through anything I have. Which is the beauty of sharing experience.. :) Speaking of beauty..my nephew is here for the weekend! he's coming to my cousins house with us for Easter..and my brother is here for the weekend so we're all going together with the whole fam. I love family get togethers...alot of ppl dislike hanging out with their family..but I for one..don't...I get all anxious..lol I don't know why..but those are the ppl that you've ALWAYS known..it's just something about family that makes me feel good..bc you KNOW for the most part, they'll always be there..and you can rely on them. as for now i have to cut this short..because my nephew is getting violent throwing quarters and nickels around the rooom ....ttyL ^_^ Then we went to this store in the village...it was like a bootleg Yankee Candle store..lol but they had sooo much more candles. They even had CREAMED CORN..i was like "Itty..here's the perfect candle for you..." and he goes "Wait...is this a diss? Are you saying I'm corny?" lol They had Roasted Turkey, Honey Glazed Ham, Mashed Potatoes..It was weird...who would buy that? Itty came up with the idea to buy one of each and light them all..and pretend it's Thanksgiving. lmao. I was like "wtf..who does that?!" he was like "Us!" i'm like w/e so he bought all of those...and I bought Honeysuckle, Vanilla, Lavendar Breeze, Roaming Clouds, Red Berry, Cherry Blossom, Sensual Rose, Raspberry Love, and some other mess..but they smell reaaaaalllly good. And they were really really cheap like 2.50 for these HUGE candles. Then we went to Virgin Records in TimeSquare...then to McDonalds for an apple pie on 42nd, and then to the MTV Store...bought a shirt..why? i don't know...it's red..and it has a rabbit peeking from behind a wall and hes saying "YIPPEE, MTV!" lol *shrugs* i thought it was cute. As of right now it's 12:30 and Itty and Justin are hitting me with..bagels? LMAO...we're going to have a Candle party upstairs...and..Thanksgiving..lmfaoo. All this after we drop Justin off home because he has basebaaaaaaalll tryouts tomorrow morning...swang swing swung. lol TTYL. ~BTW...this week has ended better then expected..and i'm grateful to have people like Itty and his brothher for giving me fun and making me happpy! Today was actually a good day.. :) This is officially my jammmm....BTW I never should've let you go I did nothing I was stupid I was foolish I was lying to myself I could not fathom that I would ever Be without your love Never imagined I'd be Sitting here beside myself I didn't know youI didn't know me But I thought I knew everything I never feltThe feeling that I'm feeling now Now that I don't Hear your voice Or even touch or even kiss your lips Cause I don't have a choice What I wouldn't give To have you lying by my side..... ...I only think of you And it's breaking my heart I'm trying to keep it together But I'm falling apart I'm feeling all out of my element I'm throwing things Crying Trying to figure out Where the hell I went wrong The pain reflected in this song Ain't even half of what I'm feeling inside I need you Need you back in my life baby When you left I lost a part of me It's still so hard to believe Come back baby please We belong together Who else am I gonna lean on When times get rough Who's gonna talk to me Till the sun comes up Who's gonna take your place There ain't nobody else We belong together another dragging day...i just cannot wait til this week finally ENDS. people dont take hints..especially people who think they're Gods gift to damn female..well sry..this person is not..and they need to switch this up before I just shut them out. then again..they probably wouldn't give a shit if I did...that, or if I did and suddenly said hi, they'd act all worried like they give a shit. it's either this or all the DENYING has alot to do the reason I am disliking this person. ugh..i am...i'm just fed up with it all..why do i waste my time? WHY?! *turns on 'we belong together'* this is a good song..april 12th..emancipation of mimi..get it. another good song "if i was a bird" by floetry. If I was a bird I'd fly away spread my wings so I'd escape If I was the sky I'd let it rain to wash away the pain *sigh*....i gtg finish writing this controversial persuasive essay for English on sexism and gay rights. the same person..i dunno if im realizing it now because the mood im in or what..but i've been seeing it for awhile of how manipulating this person is..whether or not they realize it. y'know people who tell you one thing...never really go into depth..but keep mentioning bullshit and sort of.."push it in your face". then when they realize that you aint too interested they wanna go turn around on you and try to push something else into your face..hoping that you'd seem interested again or some mess. i dunno bout anyone else..but pricks like that...yes im calling this person out their name because it suits them..but this person is disrespectful and rude..and they try and play it off...ugh..W/E 2 Itty..thanks for everything.. ;) Is it my heart that I should follow? Got me afraid to let myself go Got me scared of you If I let go I don't know if my heart will remain strong cause you the type that just might give it right and get me strung I couldn't be just a girl that your're seeing once a month cause if it goes down better believe I'm gonna be your only one -Scared Hmm...lol thats to you my Itty. haha. anywaysss..lmao..this weekend sucked. It just did. I didn't do much..besides shopped Saturday and Sunday morning. Only because VS had their 5 for $20 sale on all underwear..so might as well add to my damn collection. *shrugs* and they have that new bra the IPEX..what a waste of $45..that is some lousy cheap lookin bra..I have no idea wtf it's supposed to hold.. -_- Oooo! 15 more minutes til' Oprah's movie " There Eyes Were Watching God"...I hope YOU ALL watch. Yea..because Halle Berry is in it..and I seen some clips and some insight on it on Oprah's show Wednesday...It looks realllly reallly good. So watch..!! I'm gonna go fix my chai latte right about now and get myself cozy in my big comfy chair upstairs..ttyL. ;) Anywho..today was a let down. I was thinking we were gonna leave school early because it was supposed to start snowing @ 10. But it didn't start til' 1. Psh..but its snowing now..and we already have a shit load, and it's not stopping til'l tomorrow night...YAY! i know theres no school tomorrow and..im guessing probably none wednesday. *crosses fingers* As for my "dilemma" yesterday...It's done..over with. You will not hear about it again. I got an opinion about it and was told that I'm probably wasting my time, shouldn't deal with a situation with such confusion , i have plenty of other "things" to look into, foward to..you get the idea, and that their head was gased. So basically a loss for the other team..certainly not mine. For my friend..you know who you are..lol Girl..I'm not one to hang around and wait for "signs" or just "pick up" on things. Its either he makes his move, spits his game, or I'm gone. You shouldn't either...in your situation, homegirl..he wants you to make him feel like he's all you have, and you should only give him that if you get it in return. And especially COMMUNICATION..tell him you do not read damn minds. lmao. If he wants it to be healthy he has to talk too..Last time I checked your name is not Ms. Cleo. lol When you read this...call me! yea..my breath has been taken alright..*just breathe* sh!t was so good. everything was nice. and of course stuff comes up out of nowhere to ruin your mood. y'know...I'll look at it with a smile..because everything happens for a reason. Somethings are not meant to be..and I'm fully accepting that now. Probably could do better myself...I think I need to realize how fortunate I am..and I need to stop seeing, picturing, dreaming, and thinking that I know something is going to happen, because it's the main reason alot of things get messed up for me. I jump to too many conclusions. Here's another chapter to my work in progress...and I'm lovin' it. Moving ON.... I'm going to go watch the Oscars red carpet now..and soon after..the actual Oscars show....Let's go Jamie Foxx! NO SCHOOL TODAY! *goes to party* Y'know everyone says "Oh, celebrities are rich, and all they do is make their music and spend money". Though true, they are very wealthy, and they spend their money on lavish and luxurious things, and alot do have no brains at all, there are a few people (yes, I'm calling them people, because they're human beings just like the rest of us) out there who don't have that facade. Thye might have a role they play, but few admit it. Few admit that they are criticisizing of themselves, few admit that they have problems, probably (not trying to sound like I would know..I obviously wouldn't but from reading and alot of media research-) because theres a barrier there, separating them from who they were before the attention, and who they are now with money and fame. As much as people would call it BS, money and fame is an enormous pressure. Yea, you're able to live a fabulous materialistic life, but it's true when people say "Money doesn't buy happiness". You can easily lose sight of who you are, thinking you have to live up to a flawless, perfect slate of a human being because of the media, because of the money, because you have so many loyal and loving fans who look up to you. I don't think I've seen more then a handful or two, artists who have admitted to their public that, they are, they have to be, two different people, and the hardest person to be is their trueself. Reading this letter written to Essence, in my opinion, you're able to gain a whole new respect for the person (Janet). Not only because she's being brutally honest about herself, but because she's (shocking to some people, why? I don't know) immensely intelligent. Some people aren't meant to speak at all, some aren't meant to make it far in life, some people aren't able to comprehend things to an extent where they can understand them, and make use of it (advice), but in this letter, it really shows the double life she suffered from for so long. Dealing for so long, with the struggle of trying to find herself, because she felt she had to be this flawless person because of what she was born into. Then later, realizing, speaking, dealing, healing, and admitting what she needed to stop hiding, the fact that she too had problems and even though she did, she was a beautiful person for doing so. For so long, she hated herself because of supressed feelings but came to the realization that, "Hey, I'm human, I'm like everyone else, and whether or not people like it, I'm not perfect." Who does that? Who puts themselves; their life out there like that for the free world to dive into and nit pick? A courageous, and strong person does. It's humility. What alot of people lack, being able to face their own imperfections and accept that, "Yes, I'm not perfect, but I'm happy with who I am" There's just so much shown about a person when they are able to do that. I, myself I don't know how honest it would be to say, "I know I'm not perfect, but I'm pleased with the person I'm turning out to be". People take years to figure out who they are, and to come to terms with themselves. Hell..I'm only 16. Who knows what will happen 10-15 years from now, I'm sure I'll have struggles, I'm sure I'll have depressions, I'm sure I'll face things that will take a brutally honest person to accept and to admit. But I truly, do feel that at this point, with all I've seen and the things I've been through, I've been given an opportunity at this age to examine myself to a certain extent, and feel proud of me. I refuse to take full credit for it though, because I've been inspired, and I've been guided. I'm appreciative, and I'm grateful that at a young age I was able to use my most extensive characteristics, being observant and being able to sit back and listen, and put them to use. I'm still learning, I know I am, I learn about myself everyday, but reading that letter, it really shows how easily, and how quickly you can lose yourself. You really have to be focused on you, and you have to try so hard to make the best choices that your heart and mind know how to make. I'm not saying go through life hesitantly, but go through life being aware that there might be a hole around the corner that you might fall into and strength, determination, and self love is the only way you're going to get out it. *EDIT @ 10:10 PM* - new p0em "smoke" added. :) i had the weirdest encounter today..my mom and i went to this pizza shop to get lunch and this old man was sitting at a table behind us, and i sat down and my mom was taking off her coat, and the guy was like "is that your daughter?" and my mom was like "yes.." and he was like "ooh boy..my son would love her! shes gorgeous.." i was like -_- how odd.. and my mom said "..oh...ha...thanks?....shes 16" and he goes "wow 16?! whoa..i thought she was 21! shes just so, mature looking..shes beautiful though.." i was just like "..thank u.."ew..it was so akward..just out of nowhere.. *cringes* old men.. anyways.. ::turns up music:: sexy, quiet, shy but down for a good time.. y'know..i've been analyzing too much as of late. why in God's creation do I succumb to trying to figure people out..just people in general.. I try so hard to make people feel comfortable around me..make people try and understand me to an extend..try and make them feel interested in. I think it's important to be interested in others, it says alot about the person you are, and also makes others feel good about themselves. I just hate when I try, and try, mishap, and it's squashed. I guess I have to accept it though..if I wasn't who I am, and just acted shady and rude to people I'd be a sort of bigot. It just sucks when you try so hard to make yourself a nice person and people step on you. That's life I guess..For now..I'm here to take it head on. Screw them.. I smile for one at a time.. now..im going upstairs..to lay in bed and regret. ew..it was so akward..just out of nowhere.. *cringes* old men.. anyways.. ::turns up music:: sexy, quiet, shy but down for a good time.. y'know..i've been analyzing too much as of late. why in God's creation do I succumb to trying to figure people out..just people in general.. I try so hard to make people feel comfortable around me..make people try and understand me to an extend..try and make them feel interested in. I think it's important to be interested in others, it says alot about the person you are, and also makes others feel good about themselves. I just hate when I try, and try, mishap, and it's squashed. I guess I have to accept it though..if I wasn't who I am, and just acted shady and rude to people I'd be a sort of bigot. It just sucks when you try so hard to make yourself a nice person and people step on you. That's life I guess.. For now..I'm here to take it head on. Screw them.. I smile for one at a time.. shit happens, i guess. although i really wish my plans could've fell into place..i ruined that in the end..i ruin alot of things it seems. always happens to be something really nice..something really good..and there I go..do something of the sorts and just unconsciously fu.ck things up. i need to find a catharsis.. i lost my head in thought of all the stupid things i've said and i never meant to cause you trouble.. -Coldplay and i thought finally getting my computer all back and shit would be GREAT. so much for that...i mean it is great..but eh..okay let me just stop not trying to put this out there. *EDITED* well last night (friday) my parents and i went to dinner. we ate vietnamese food..realllly good. see..we're into all that kind of stuff..trying all these different foods from different cultures and mess like that. we ate ethiopian food last week..so we went from africa to vietnam.lol anyways..we ate and we went and saw mama mia. it was alrite..i wasnt "wow-ed" but yea..it was something. this morning, i woke up at 9...i had a driving appt. @ 10:30. Why so damn early??? Like the hell I'm focused that early..this old man had me drinkin coffee before i left so i made sure i dodnt fall asleep and crash the damn car. He was suprised tho..bc it was my first..i dunno what they call it..a lesson? what he didn't know is that i been driving since i was little..(thank u daddy..lmao) but yea he said he's only going to make me take two lessons instead of four bc i really didn't need them i already know what im doing. mwuahaha. i got it like that *pops collar* then..i got home..and my dad was sick..sooo we didnt take my mom out to dinner (her birthday is tomorrow she'll be 51!) so me and my mom went to the diner and ate and i cleaned my room..as if it were dirty..and it wasnt..but now its extra clean..spick and span..u can lick my carpet and its dustless/dirtless..whatever u wanna call it..lol but yea..we might bring her somewhere early tomorrow before all them fat old guys go out to all the places to watch that damn BORING ass superbowl this year. (go eagles!) as of right now..im sitting here..doing absolutely nothing..my computer has decided to act like its on the most f&cked up crack ever. i cant stand this cheap piece of plastic anymore..i wanna kick this sh!t out the window..*punches tower* junkie dell..hmph. *random thought* dont u hate when u listen to a song..and it reminds you of something you don't have? something you wish you had really bad? i just got a dose of that... :( :moment: im so relieved..you guys just don't know..i have gym first block. thats alrite i got a couple people in there i know..then art. steph is in my class, my fashion partner in crime.lol thats gonna be a fun class, i can just tell. then english which i LOVE already..we were assigned a personality essay already. how i LOVE to write..i'm already two pages into it just a paragraph left to write.lol i have c2 lunch now..whichh is a pain bc im used to A lunch..now i gotta wait til C..so im starving by then. i sit w/ big pun-Chris, adee, will, jerry, paiga, britney, and tyrell..bunch of clowns lol then if i have any..my least favorite class is geometry with pearson..i could just throw a damn book at that man. with his monotone voice..uuuuuuuuuuuughh..i cannot stand it. >_<> im tired out my ass today...good Lord..hmph.. Oh BTW..to everyone IMing asking me who Jason is.. SHHHH! it's annoying..seriously..people act like im married to him or something..aint even like that. -_- if there WAS anything remotely close to being "told" to any of you...it would be on here..but obviously what you want to know is not on here..so stop asking me. i think im gonna go call it a night..g'niite folks for J- ;) g'niite..and sorry i wasn't much company today..i'll make up for it. |
